Breaking: Mail Truck Followed By Roughly 1,000,000 Dogs Daily

OFFICIAL TOWN CENTER OF MAIL STUDIES — A new report released by the town's Official Center Of Mail Studies (the OCMS) revealed a shocking stat Tuesday, which estimates local mail trucks are followed by approximately 1,000,000 dogs in a single afternoon.

"I'm not shocked by the stats in the least," said local mail delivery driver Lily Petes as she threw a stack of mail out of her window to keep a beagle at bay, "the town should take action, what that looks like I have no idea but by 3:00 p.m. every afternoon I'm surrounded on all sides by K9s," continued Lily as a chihuahua bit off a truck tire like it was a chew toy.

When pressed for comment, the head of the OCMS, Nate Weatherbee, said: "The stats seem jarring, but they aren't out of the ordinary. Dogs' obsession, and hatred, for mail has been encoded in their DNA for billions of millennia."

Lily's delivery route was eventually overrun by 100,000 retrievers before Weatherbee suggested giving the entire mail truck to the dogs, and hiding in a bunker until all the letters are torn to shreds.